We grow up wanting to know love until we realise that we are love

“We grow up wanting to know love until we realise that we are love.”

– Mark Nepo

Almost everything that we do, we do because we think it’ll make us happy. When growing up in this society, most of the lifestyles modeled around us become the baseline that we try to reach: find your soulmate, travel, buy a house, go out every weekend, and stay up to date on your gadgets. We think we’ll be happy once we “have it all”. But if that’s the case, why are there so many unhappy people who seemingly have it all? 

I’ve asked a lot of people what their ideal life would be, and a lot of them say that they want to do what they love, be financially free, and travel. Do you really need to do what you love in order to be happy? 

We think our discontent is a result of things being missing in our outer world, but what if the real missing piece is within ourselves – and what does that even mean? Let me share a small piece of my journey where I found answers to these three questions. 

I thought that I’d finally be able to kick my feet up and be fully happy once my outer world looked a certain way. I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. 

The pursuit of being normal

I have always been a deep thinker and knowledge seeker. The type of interests I have are the type that get you bullied and labeled a “nerd” in school or the “boring” person of the group. A lot of people around me during that time period were very extroverted, made a lot of noise, and looked like they were super happy on the outside. I began thinking that I may be missing out on something, perhaps I should loosen up and take life less seriously. So I let the peer-pressure get to me and decided to try being “normal”, which was a horrible but valuable learning experience. In the pursuit of being normal, I tried doing normal people things like going out, social media, watching movies and shows, and having way too many social circles – amongst other things. And let me tell you, there was definitely pleasure within each of those experiences and I can see why people get hooked on such a lifestyle, but man was it soul-draining.

Confronting the Inner Void

I honestly thought something was wrong with me. Why was I not happy living this lifestyle? I had everything on the surface: freedom, money, friends, and a whole lot of so-called “fun”. But when there was no immediate stimulus to tickle my dopamine receptors, I’d instantly become aware of my inner void. This inner void was my soul screaming, “you’re on the wrong path!” After some time, thank god, I finally listened to my inner voice and changed gears.

Undoing the social conditioning

I decided that I can’t keep living my days like this so I started making some shifts. I started being brutally honest with myself. This meant constantly asking myself “am I doing this because it makes me happy from within, or because I have been conditioned to think that this should make me happy.” 

Living from the inside out, not outside in

I made my circle very small and started spending much more time with my family. Being around my family warms my heart, there is no better place in the world. I will happily choose dinner with my family over a trip to Hawaii with a not-so-deep friendship. 

I embraced my love for non-fiction books, learning, and writing which allowed me to tap into states of flow regularly – it might sound boring to some, but beats movies and outings any day for me. The way these topics and books light me up from within is not visible externally because it doesn’t have me jumping and laughing out loud across the room – well, maybe just chewing my family’s ear off about all the fascinating things I learnt. 

I started saying no more often because I was connected to my core values, and anything not in alignment with them had no place in my life. 

These simply little tweaks in my life, and being brave enough to be unapologetically myself allowed me to find answers to the questions above. 

Why are there so many unhappy people who seemingly have it all? 

• Success, in my opinion, is an internal game. I had everything on the outside, but I wasn’t doing anything to nurture my heart, and that deprivation gave rise to the void I felt. I was also totally neglecting my true proclivities out of the fear of being different. 
• Solution: connect and listen to my heart’s voice 

Do you really need to do what you love in order to be happy? 

• Yes and no. In my experience, doing what I loved on a superficial level was not enough. Now, I do what grows the love within me and I’m good at.

• Things that open my heart, contribute to society, and I’m good at are: going to school for psychology, writing articles, reading non-fiction books, and working in the youth mental health field. These activities are the perfect balance of challenge that allow me to tap into flow state and leave me feeling satisfied when I’m done. They open my heart and contribute to my growth and the growth of others. This is one of the biggest pieces of my fulfillment. 
• Solution: find what nurtures your heart that you’re also good at. 

What if the real missing piece is within ourselves – and what does that even mean? 

• What does it even mean to look within? I know, I know, it’s such a cliche, “happiness comes from within.” But what the heck does that even mean? Well, in my experience, it means learning to live with an open heart and having atleast one activity that actively feeds your heart. 
• Solution: find a way to give back consistently. This is more simple than it seems, you don’t have to make any big shifts. I read a beautiful book by Cassandra Dunn called ‘From Happy To Crappy: Love What You Do”. Dr. Dunn is a Clinical Psychologist from Australia who talks about a study in her book where cleaners working in a hospital who went the extra mile to ask patients if they needed water reported an overall increased sense of purpose in their jobs. So the moral of the study is that you don’t have to change your entire career. Simply reframing the way you approach work can help increase your sense of contribution. 

Ultimate lesson: my deeply personal lesson from this experience was that happiness for me is with an open heart. I don’t need anything external at all to make me happy because as long as I stay open hearted, I am happy. I enjoy each day slowly and fully 🙂