Many have experienced the feeling of arguing for hours that resulted in no outcome and a stronger set of personal beliefs. Or, you may have experienced arguments where you could not get through to the other person no matter what you said. You could not ‘win’ the argument.
If your objective in an argument is to get the other to your way of thinking, it is almost impossible to win over their perception with mere facts and tales. Think about it, when was the last time you felt you were right and tried convincing your companion of your way? Despite trying to win their mind, nothing seemed to open their mind to see your perspective.
Oftentimes, arguments result in a strong sense of defensiveness brought on by a feeling of unsafety and loss of control. In this article, you’ll learn the 3 step process that’ll help you win your way out of every argument.
1. Summarize what they said
In an argument, people become so attached to their perspective that they continue to repeat what they said in different variations and lengths. The argument goes back and forth and the topic keeps circling back because the individual wants to ensure that they understood.
The topic will keep circling back until you provide some sort of validation that you did hear them out. Without addressing this issue, neither side will properly hear each other and thus no progress or changes will be made in either’s perceptions.
How: Repeat what was said for “clarification”
To do this, first, you must listen to them properly. Then try to understand what they said and repeat it back to them. Focus on the main idea of what they’re saying and summarize it in your own words. Do not make assumptions or change what they said, but repeat their message with their meaning.
For example, Juan just rambled on for 15 minutes about the intricacies of an avocado. Some of his facts are repetitive and common-sense information, but you still respectfully listen. His point is that avocados make you lose weight. During his spiel, you give him your attention with a neutral and present demeanor. After he is done talking, you pause for a moment.
Then, you could say something like, “So what you’re saying is… that avocados make you lose weight because they are green, they have fiber, and they are sugar-free?” Oftentimes the answer will be, “That’s right! Exactly.” This is an instant bonding moment of agreement that will create momentum for the rest of your argument.
Why: Builds trust and connection
The instant moment of agreement leads to an instant sense of connection. This sense of connection releases a chemical known as Oxytocin [1]. Oxytocin is one of the body’s ‘feel-good’ hormones and is associated with feelings of connection, bonding, and love [1]. So you have now, in the midst of a heated argument, found a way to connect and establish rapport effectively.
By summarizing what the person said, you allow them to feel heard which will help you gain their trust and allow them to feel safe. Overall, summarizing leads to increased trust and connection. These are three crucial pillars that are needed if you are hoping to influence anyone toward your way of thought.
2. Ask curious questions
Another common mistake that is made during arguments is the very act of attacking the person’s beliefs, opinion, or idea. Or, constantly bringing up your own argument as a tool for comparison to prove that you are right and they are wrong.
This causes your companion to feel unsafe and become defensive. In psychology, this is also known as cognitive dissonance [2]. Cognitive dissonance is a human tendency that brings upon a state of discomfort felt when a person’s preconceived notions are presented with conflicting information [2]. Often it is very hard to get an idea across to a person because any idea that is not aligned with there’s is seen as a threat. Therefore, they become defensive and the argument escalates. To counter this, you can use curiosity as your weapon.
How: Cultivate a genuinely curious attitude
Curiosity is the most powerful force in disarming defensiveness while allowing the person room to expand on their mindset on their own terms. Sometimes, getting a person to expand their horizons is as simple as asking a thoughtfully worded question.
An example of this in the case of the avocado argument could be, “That’s really interesting. Wait… does this mean that pistachios could also help me lose weight since they’re green, have fiber, and are sugar-free?” or asking, “That’s so cool, you’ve gotten me really curious and I would love to read more. Would you mind sending me the research findings on this?”
REMEMBER, the key here is to sound genuinely interested. In that regard, it helps if you genuinely become interested. Read more about cultivating curiosity here.
Why: Diffuses defensiveness
Curiosity can prevent your companion from entering a state of cognitive dissonance. This is because when you are curious, you approach the other person as a student. This allows the person to feel safe and unthreatened in their perspectives. By remaining in this state, you can continue to ask thought-provoking questions which may reframe their beliefs.
Due to the innocence of your curiosity, the questions will be answered with greater openness to exploring other ideas because you have created a safe space, free from defensiveness.
3. Leave subliminal clues
Subliminal messages are thought and emotion-provoking clues that are not directly laid out and told to the person, but rather perceived almost imperceptibly. A fascinating study on subliminal stimulation tested this theory by placing ads during a movie that read “eat popcorn”. The viewers of the film were not consciously aware that they had seen the ad, but surprisingly popcorn sales increased by 8%. This shows how powerful and effective subliminal clues are [3].
How: Subtly mention your perspective
To leave subliminal messages you must avoid being aggressive, pushy, or persuasive. To do this, make mention of your perspective and then let it go and trust that it may click for them at some point. If you push your ideas on too fast and too aggressively, you may cause your companion to stop listening and become defensive.
An example of doing this would be, in a calm, unbothered, and carefree tone, saying, “I wonder if weight loss may simply be about calories.” or “I wonder how many fruits are similar to avocados.”
Why: Expand horizons with low effort
When you leave a subliminal message with no emotional attachment and it is not forced or pushed onto the person, it leaves them the autonomy to make their choices. Humans generally become oppositional when they are feeling controlled. Therefore, by leaving these clues in the air, you allow them to open their mind on their own terms without holding back.
Overall, when you’re in an argument, remember to directly summarize what was said and you will win their trust. Ask curious questions and you diffuse their anger. Finally, calmly leave subliminal messages and you may win their mind.
- Lee, H. J., Macbeth, A. H., Pagani, J. H., & Young, W. S., 3rd (2009). Oxytocin: the great facilitator of life. Progress in neurobiology, 88(2), 127–151. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2009.04.001
- Jarcho, J. M., Berkman, E. T., & Lieberman, M. D. (2011). The neural basis of rationalization: cognitive dissonance reduction during decision-making. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 6(4), 460–467. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq054
- McConnell, James V., Cutler, Richard L., and McNeil, Elton B. (1958). Subliminal stimulation: An overview. The American Psychologist, 13(5), 229–242. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0042953